The Do's and Don'ts
by Mistress of Sarcasm
Summary: Toph's got some very strict specifications about who can - and CAN'T - date Zuko.


Since I missed Zutara week, I decided (minute, hence the late entry) to see if I could do the CAPSTARA WEEK from the LJ Community. I don't know if it's open to anyone who isn't on the Community, so I'm basically doing this as a personal challenge to myself, to practice my writing. And any excuse to write Zutara is a good one.

I didn't make Aqua edit this, because I didn't want to make her read a pairing she hates after she wrote me that awesome one shot. So beware spelling errors.

Disclaimer: I don't own _Avatar_.

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Prompt: I Don't Like Your Girlfriend.

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It was the day Zuko introduced the dagger spewing Azula follower to the group as his girlfriend that Toph had her first crisis session.

" _What_?!" She exploded. " But you…with the group…all that _time_…I was so sure…you can't…not with…that's impossible…I'm _never_ wrong!"

Her wail rose up and echoed over the gathered company, several of whom threw their hands up over their ears to try and block out the piercing noise that grated on their nerves. As the final not of that god awful exclamation in a pitch no one thought Toph could reach had died down, the hands were cautiously removed with the air of testing the water, and Zuko (looking as lost as he had in the catacombs under Ba Sing Se) was the only one who seemed to be brave enough to ask.

" Toph," he ventured as gently as he could, " what's wrong?"

Wrong move, Fire Lord.

" What's wrong?!" Toph howled. " What's _wrong_?!" She threw her arms out and stared at the wide eyed faces around her. " What's wrong, he asks. What's wrong, like he doesn't know what he did! You've got some nerve buddy!" She marched up to him and poked him in the chest. " Asking me that after what you did!"

" What?" Zuko winced at her glare. " What did I do?!"

" You know _damn_ well!"

" No, I don't! But I'm sorry!"

" As if an apology is going to fix this!"

" I don't even know what I'm sorry for!"

" Lying to my face!" Toph gestured to her anger-contorted face. " That's low, even for you, Zuko!"

" I'm not lying!" He paused. " And you can _tell_!"

" Well, _apparently_, you weren't lying either when you said that _she_," she waved her hand vaguely in Mai's direction, " was your _girlfriend_!"

" She _is_!" Zuko cried helplessly.

" Oh, like _Hell_ she is!" Toph grabbed him by the front of his shirt and hauled him down until his nose bumped hers. " Listen, Sparky, and listen up good, because I don't repeat myself."

Zuko gulped, and nodded.

" You can't be going out with _her_," odd hand in Mai's general direction, " because you're _supposed_ to be going out with _her_."

Zuko followed her extended hand.

" But Suki's Sokka's girl." He protested, but Toph gave him a hard shake.

" Not _Suki_ you idiot!" She growled. " The person beside her!"

" Aang?" Zuko's voice was strained.

"For the love of the Spirits!" Toph swore, and pushed him back. He stumbled, but managed to regain his footing. Mai moved to help him, but a swift shift in the ground by Toph's foot had Zuko teetering on his feet several meters away from her. With another flick, a second member of the party was sent flying into position directly in front of the young Fire Lord.

" K-_Katara_?!" He squeaked.

" Um, hi?" She offered, twisting a piece of hair around her finger. " For the recording scrolls, I'm just as confused as you are."

" Toph!" Aang shouted, and his voice was strangled. " What do you think you're doi-"

" Can it, Twinkle Toes!" Toph barked. " I've got a serious wrong to right."

She spun her wrists, and the ankles of the two teenagers were encased in stone.

" You listen to me, you two." She hissed dangerously as she paced. " I have been listening to Sugar Queen harp on and on and _on _about Sparky for _months_ after I signed up for this little road trip. It has been nothing but 'Zuko this!' and 'Zuko that!' and 'Zuko is such a bastard'!' Blah, blah, blah! And then Sparky decides that hey, maybe I should be with the good guys because I suck at being a bad guy! And he shows up out of the blue, and it becomes 'How dare he show up this!' and 'Who does he think he is that!', and 'He won't fool me again, I'm on to him, he won't get to me, no matter how hot he looks without a shirt when he's firebending!'"

" I never said that!" Katara shouted, her face red.

" Not out loud." Toph continued pacing. " My point is, for the past few months, I have had to listen to _nothing_ but Zuko rants all day long, and you know what I figured out?" She whipped around to face her captives.

" You guys are totally hot for each other."

There was a dead silence, in which the crunching of the roasted popping acornery nuts that Sokka was stuffing his face with was heard. The two encased in rock blinked, and opened their mouths to protest, but were swiftly cut off.

" Don't interrupt me while I helping fix your screwed up love lives!" She commanded. Both jaws snapped shut. " As I was saying, you two are hot for each other. It's obvious. Anyone with two _eyes_ can see it! _I _can see it, and I can't even _see_!" She paused as a thought occurred to her. " Well, everyone except for Twinkle Toes, but he doesn't count."

" Hey!" Aang shouted.

He was ignored.

" My point is, you two are perfect together. You've got this whole 'wrong-side-right-side-of-the-tracks' thing going, coupled with the fact that you both respect each other as fighters and the fact that you can bond over your whole 'Loss of Mother' issue. Which, might I add, you already have."

" Yeah, before he betrayed us!"

" I thought you were over that!"

" Oh, yeah, sorry. It tends to creep up ever so often."

" And you two have this great tension." Toph continued as if she hadn't been interrupted. " And you get along so well. And you look great together."

" You don't even know what we look like." Katara pointed out.

" That's Sokka's input." Toph shrugged, as Sokka looked up from his snacks.

" What?" He asked as several eyes turned on him. " They look good together! And I'm totally okay with having Zuko as a brother-in-law."

" What about _me_?" Aang wailed.

" You're my second choice!" Sokka patted him on the back reassuringly.

" My point is, you two are perfect for each other, but you keep screwing it up, so I figured it was time for me to intervene."

" But, we don't-" Katara tried.

" Who is the human lie detector?"

" You are."

" And who can tell if you like someone by your heartbeat?"

" You can."

" So who is the person we will be listening to?"

" You." The two captives agreed.

" Good answer." Toph said amiably, right before she threw her hands up in the air. A formation of rock, almost box-like in its structure, rose up from the ground around them. With a twist, and roof slid over the top of if, effectively sealing the two in. With another flick, Toph let the restraints drop.

" Now, I have never been wrong before, and I am _not _about to start now, so you two get over your insecurities, dump your safety choices, and get to work on some beautiful, blue eyed firebenders for Iroh _right now_!"

" But-" Zuko's voice was echoy.

" I said _NOW_!" Toph roared, and all fell silent.

In the quietness of the afternoon, which was only broken by the suspicious noises escaping the rock box, Toph turned to the stunned Mai.

" Sorry." She said without sincerity. " I just don't like you."

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Please, no one take offense to what has been written here. It was all in good fun.

And Toph pretty much writes herself, so don't take her harsh opinions as my own.

MoS


End file.
